the cost

I have two blogs: one here on my writer website, which is about my writing journey, and my ‘In the Secret Place’ blog where I write about the things that God and I chat about. So when I talk with Him about my writing, it can cause a conundrum: where to post? Well today I am posting here because I think it will be an encouragement to other Kingdom writers, mostly…

You probably know that last week I published not one, but two books. Other writers – particularly the self-published ones – will know that this is a far more exhausting process than most people realise. And coming as it did at a time when I was dealing with other intense life situations, I felt utterly worn out by the day after publication day. Fair warning: what follows is self-pitying, which I wouldn’t usually share – but I believe it’s important to acknowledge the temptations we face when we are exhausted…

In my depleted state, my emotions were running high. I had poured myself into this book, not just for the year that it took to write and edit it, but also the previous two years’ experience of struggle and pain in the wilderness that I wrote about. I’m still in it – God asked me to write while I was still in the wilderness myself, so I did, thanks only to His grace that kept me going – and by the end I felt every bit of how much it had cost to publish this book. I was completely spent. It wasn’t even just the book: I had slogged away to produce endless promotional material for Social Media, because when you don’t have a famous name or a big publishing house behind you, that is what is required to get your book in front of people. But I find it utterly soul-destroying and only do it because I want to be faithful to get the message out that I believe God wants to bless His people with. And all that promo, the year of writing/ editing, and the years of suffering? It all led to a couple of dozen sales (so far). That’s it. The temptation to judge success by numbers of sales is a cruel one indeed.

I know God is in this book. I know (because all readers so far have said) that it is a deep resource of treasure for those who will read it. But I also know (partly because of the crazy levels of opposition that have arisen) that the enemy does not want people to read it. And honestly, I feel too exhausted to fight back. And so in the temptations to self-pity that followed, I heard – or felt – the nasty thought cross my mind: “Why bother? What was the point of all that cost – for nothing?” When we are tired and our guard is down, the enemy is skilled at making his voice sound like our own thoughts and feelings.

Now, I do know it wasn’t for nothing. I know there are people out there whose lives have already been changed by reading the book. So that alone means it was worth it. And honestly, I do know that the true judge of success is whether I obeyed God and did as He asked – which to the best of my ability, I believe I did. So it’s all good: my feelings will calm down as I recover, and all will be well. But God in His endless compassion and mercy did not leave it there. In a prayer meeting last night with some beautiful writer friends, every one of whom is bravely sacrificing themselves in order to write words that will give honour and glory to God, God showed me a picture of Mary with her broken alabaster jar, pouring perfume over Jesus’ feet and weeping as she did so (John 12:3). His hand rested lovingly on her head and He was breathing in the beautiful aroma.
Then I heard the lyrics from an old song: “you don’t know the cost of the oil from my alabaster box.”
And the point was this: He DOES know. Even if nobody else does. He sees the cost, and receives it as a fragrant offering. We are all broken vessels. Maybe another day I’ll share the values of alabaster – or you can look it up and see what God shows you through it. But what God showed me was the high value He places on the perfumed oil produced by crushing, then poured out through our brokenness. He sees that our writing for Him IS costly and He receives it as worship, as we value Him far more than whatever it costs us to write.

And this morning as I thanked Him for last night’s picture He spoke to me again. Some of it was personal, to be treasured in my heart only. And some of it I felt permission to share, in the hope that it will speak to and encourage you also. He said,
“I see your sacrifice, beloved, and I receive it. It is a beautiful fragrance to Me, fully acceptable in my sight. Now as I receive it, trust it fully to My hands, and let it go. I have received it all, so it cannot be wasted. Even if nobody else sees it (which is not My will) that is not your concern. You have poured it out at My feet: it is spilled; you cannot scoop it back into a container to hold on to now. It is My treasure, for Me to do with as I will. And I thank You for it, for it is a most precious gift to Me. Thank You, My love.”

What a blessing. How kind He always is! I don’t know whether or not He will ask me to do any more ‘promo’ – that’s up to Him. All I know is, the matter is settled in my heart. My books are an offering to HIM, and their value cannot be measured in how many people do or do not see/ buy/ read them. As usual, the enemy’s temptations have been silenced by God’s Word. I am so grateful. And the cost? Well I could never out-give what He has given me! So it was totally worth it.